#which i didnt really realize until i wasnt one anymore

[jazzband22]

pondering my orb

[snekdood]

really funny my abusive ex engages in invalidating my identity, especially since thats what they accuse me of doing to them. its almost like you made that up and just wanted an excuse to invalidate me.

[candyskiez]

thinkin about the conversation abt guilt between jon and helen again. and how the distortion realized “i wasnt going to stop doing it so i decided not to feel bad”. and how Feeling Guilty About It never changed anything for jon. it didn’t stop him from feeding. didn’t stop him from hurting people or being rude or abrasive. certainly didnt fix the apocalypse he was tricked into causing. his guilt never helped or saved anyone, and his choice to carry it around with him was mostly for self flagellation purposes. but also it was because he never stopped seeing people as people. even when they were his prey they were people. it’s just. !!!

GODDD YOU DONT EVEN KNOW. SEASON FOUR KILLED ME. SEASON FOUR CHANGED ME AS A PERSON. Grggrgr. God you don't even know. Ok ok.

Jon wants so badly to be a good person but he doesn't want to *get* better. He wants to BE better. Which. I never saw portrayed so accurately in fiction before and kind of felt like seeing my internal organs just. Out there. On the screen. But yknow. He wants so so bad to be good and he has no idea how to actually Stop hurting people and giving up these awful behaviors means giving up the things thatve kept him safe his whole life. His desperate attempts to do better in s4 are often met with rejection, and regardless of how understandable the others actions are (and I will argue it was understandable till the heat death of the universe) it ends up leaving him in this limbo where he doesn't feel like changing is Working. And it doesn't really help that he only tends to actually understand his feelings and other people's perspectives until they've blown up and he can't ignore them anymore. He so badly wants to be a good person but he's kind of just. He's not given up on per say but he's so angry and frustrated about it because nothing he does seems to be good enough or actually seem to improve in any meaningful way.

Ok ok on the note of the actual conversation you brought up. Sorry i got very sidetracked. Jon and guilt is so so interesting because it's embedded so deep in his personality. So much of who he is was fundamentally shaped by guilt and shame. And it doesn't actually fix anything. Most of his actions fueled by guilt or wanting to Repent don't actually do anything good. It partly stopped his whole murder crusade but tbh. There was also other things going on, less just Jon Guilt and more so Jon actually reflecting. It's almost like actually reevaluating your shit is more effective than self punishing. Guilt is so deeply rooted in every aspect of his actions throughout the series and it doesn't make him kinder most of the time. If anything it makes him more bitter and impulsive. But he can't afford to let go of his guilt less he starts just letting himself hurt everyone near him, but it was never actually the guilt that stopped him. He only really started stopping himself from doing shit out of compassion and care for the few people he had left. Guilt never stopped him, but he never let go because he Needed it to stop him from doing worse. But it wasn't the shame that had stopped him, he'd been ashamed his whole life and it actively made him worse. What did stop him in the end was the one person he had left being so furious at him but staying with him anyway, because he loved him.

Also I have Big Feelings about Jon and Helen's relationship and how Jon giving up on Helen was when he gave up on himself but that is a topic for another day. Jonathan Sims the man that you are. Boy why are you so guilt.

[honeykawa]

Safe

pairing: dabi x reader

genre: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings: reader injuries, cursing

word count: 1.0k

summary: you hadnt expected to get jumped that night but being the resident healer for the lov did have its quirks. you somehow made your way back to the bar before passing out but your comrades werent exactly sure on how to help since you were the one who typically took care of the healing. even after the storm passes and youre sure to be okay, a new one starts to brew with one question in mind: whos going to tell dabi?

you stumbled around outside holding onto your waist along with staggered breathing. you had been confronted by a couple of heroes who recognized you as someone who works closely with the league and as dabis partner since he tends to burn himself a lot. you wouldnt say you were a villain like the others. all you did was heal those in the organization whenever they needed it. your quirk allowed you to heal others so long as you took all the pain but it didnt really work as well on yourself. you could only imagine the amount of blood youve lost at this point, you dont even know how you got away from those heroes.

you finally got to the hideout and all eyes were on you as you entered the bar. “please…help” you instantly fell over and passed out as soon as you saw your comrades, you trusted that they would get you where you needed to be.

toga was the first one to get to your fallen body. usually blood wasnt a sight she feared but seeing you bloodied was terrifying to her. youd saved her so many times, listened to her whenever she needed someone to vent to. kurogiri tried to push everyone out of the way and immediately started to assign jobs to people. but how do you heal the healer?

twice was instructed to quickly bring you to the back room and lay you in a bed while kurogiri called garaki to make an emergency visit. they did what they could to apply immediate first aid until garaki could get there but the amount of blood terrified all of them.

garaki did what he could and you were passed out the entire time so that made it easier for him to apply stitches. “luckily, their quirk does let them heal a little faster than others so all the major bleeding had stopped by the time i got here. they should be fine when they wake up but don’t let them use their quirk until theyre healed. anymore strain on their body could probably kill them.”

garaki left and now the lov had another issue on their hands.

who was going to tell dabi?

everyone knew dabi was more than overprotective of you. he tried to accompany you everywhere and this only intensified when you started dating. the only reason he wasnt with you tonight was because he was on a different mission with compress elsewhere.

“nose goes”

everyone quickly touched their nose except for twice who hadnt realized what was happening until it was too late.

“fuck”

———————

your head was pounding as your eyes slowly opened. the sun was trickling in through the windows which was the only source of light in the room.

you tried to look around to see if you could make out any shapes in the room you were in as you tried to get up. your head was pounding and your body felt stiff.

“i wouldnt move too much if i were you.”

you look over to see dabi sitting in a chair in the corner. he gets up to walk over to you and handed you some painkillers from the table next to you, followed by some water. you took both out of his hands and thank him quietly as he sat on the side of your bed.

“doll, youve been out for a few days. what the fuck happened?”

he reached for you hand and gently squeezed it. a slight tremble could be felt coming from him. the night he got back twice was waiting for him to deliver the news on what happened. dabi felt his heart stop in that moment, like his entire world was shattering around him. even more so when he finally got to see your still body laying in the bed, the only sign of life being the small rise and fall of your chest. he didnt freak out like everyone thought he would have. no. he was still. he didnt know what to do or how to fix this. he couldnt. and the uncertainty and lack of control was absolutely terrifying.

you gave his hand a small squeeze back before telling him your story. “i was ganged up on by some heroes as i was walking back. i hadnt seen them in the area before so i wasnt expecting to run into them.” you felt some tears rising up. you didnt know why you were crying, maybe it was a delayed reaction as to what happened or maybe it was because you felt so helpless in the moment, only escaping due to dumb luck.

“im sorry, dabi. im sorry for worrying you, im sorry i cant defend myself…im sorry im so useless” dabi could feel his heart breaking. he immediately used his other hand to wipe your tears away from you face.

“sunshine, you are far from useless. youre so capable of things that i cant ever dream of. all i can do is destroy, but you? you have healed so many of us. fuck anyone thats made you feel like that.”

you nodded your head in his hand and he leaned down to kiss you. it was soft and gentle, it made you feel safe. when he pulled away, it felt all too soon. but the atmosphere quickly changed.

“im going to need you to tell me something, doll.” his voice was cold and sent a shiver down your back.

dabi pushed some of your hair back and gently held your face in his hand.

“who did this to you?”

he needed names. he wasnt one to let anyone fuck with those he loved. whoever decided to hurt you better be ready to have the favor returned to them tenfold. you were kind, gentle, and would rather take pain for yourself than let anyone else be hurt. you didnt deserve this. it almost broke dabi seeing you laying unconscious, bandaged beyond recognition. he was going to avenge you. he was going to make them pay.

[one-annon]

Adam stanheight x fem reader pls? Anything works.

Ty!!! ♡

-- ADAM FAULKNER/FEM!READER --

finally...finally finished this...i apologize so so much for the wait

i tried making it f!reader but it feels more gn!reader than anything...hope thats okay!

tw! ptsd/panic attack/nightmare sorta stuff

it had been about a month since your boyfriend was saved from that bathroom. according to him, the guy he was with came back. you knew he was lying. he had that same look in his eyes he gave you when he said he ate all his food he needed to for that day - or when he says he did, in fact, zip up his fly before you two left the house. it was a look that said 'im knowingly lying to you and i feel guilty about it'.

what he wasn't lying about, though, was his night terrors after. not only that but also his newfound fear of being alone and the dark. before, he wouldnt mind laying alone in bed in his dark room, cigarette in hand. but after he couldnt even handle the dimming lights of movie theaters, which restricted your movie date nights to being a home event. it frustrated you a few times, but you understood. it was a traumatic event you could never understand because you didnt experience it.

you didnt know how adam felt when he woke up gasping for air after a nightmare. usually, he would call you, ask you to stay on the phone with him for just for a little while. just until he calms down. he always sounded so broken, so utterly pathetic that it was hard to not take pity on him.

today though, was a little different. after major convincing, adam agreed to stay over at your house. you two had a great night - tasty dinner, a movie night (which included adam laughing as you screamed at horror movies), and even a bath together. adam always tried his best to be romantic. he may not have money, but he has a heart. that you know. right before bed, he had done your hair, carefully brushing the knots and tangles out and commenting about how gorgeous you were.

"im so lucky," he had said, running his fingers through a small section he had just brushed. "youre such a pretty lady - model material even! and i somehow scored you? i really dont know how that happened.."

you both went to bed happy, cuddled and warm in each others embrace. he was curled up, face hidden away from the world in your chest - his favorite place. you didnt mind, humming a soft tune as he wrapped his lanky arms around you. he squeezed you tight, holding his breath just long enough to where he could hear your heartbeat. quiet enough so he can hear that youre with him. that youre alive. he's not in that awful bathroom anymore - hes here with you in your bed.

the two of you fell asleep peacefully, the big blanket draped over you two helping with the cold of the room but the fan running above you kept you from overheating. everything was going so well. he was comfortable, you were comfortable. everything had gone just as it planned to be. you had your beautiful boy asleep, you were asleep. truly, it was one of the best days of your week.

you didnt dream that night. which, to be honest, you never really were one to dream. you knew adam was though. sometimes, when he had good dreams, he would tell you about them while you made breakfast (because lord forbid he step into the kitchen). sometimes he wouldnt be able to recall them and sometimes he would tell you about how, oh, his friend had taken him to a bar and there was such a pretty lady there that looked just like you and then he realized, oh it is you. and he was so happy to see you because, oh, him and scott were so wasted and, oh..is breakfast already done?

then there was the times he had bas dreams. like tonight. again. you woke up to him shaking so hard you, just for a moment, thought he was seizing or something. taking a good look at him, you realized that wasnt the case. his eyebrows ere tightly knitted together, lips parted as he muttered to himself about wanting to live, soft gasps slotting themselves between his quiet begs. your shirt that he was still gripping was wet with his tears.

glancing over at the clock, you squinted as you tried to read what it registered the time to be. 2:36 am. okay. cool. whatever. you sigh, rubbing your hand up and down adams back to try and wake him up or lull him out of whatever bad dream had a hold on him tonight and back to restful sleep. you swore to yourself, pinching at the bridge of your nose to try and keep yourself awake.

by this point, you were going to call adams brother specs to see if he has some fuckass demon holding him down. you knew that wasnt it. well, there were no physical demons.

you knew who his demons were. he could perfectly describe them to you and one of them you knew personally. blonde, tall, divorced. you had seen him around the hospital you had grown to know thanks to adam. the boy seemed to panic at the very mention of the oncologist, rambling and sobbing while he told you how the man was supposed to come back and save him.

you knew he didn't. adam had told you the gruesome details about how he had to eat someones body - cannibalize someone - just to survive. you tried to take him to a therapy group you had read about full of other jigsaw survivors but he couldnt go. not when he saw that blonde man limp his way into the room. not when he saw how calm he was as he sat down. you remember waiting in the car, hoping everything went alright. but when adam slammed the door closed and begged you to drive off before the session was even done, you knew it was useless.

so now here you were, trying to comfort his sleeping form. at some point, the dream had shifted. he was moving around in his sleep, either grabbing at you or at his foot. his broken foot. adam had totally shattered his foot to escape the bathroom. apparently, he didnt have the guts or the materials to cut his leg like that demon of his did, but he had the toilet lid next to him. if it was heavy enough to kill the man he cannibalized, he said, it was heavy enough to free him.

adam kept his grip on you. he kept muttering to himself. he kept crying. he looked so pathetic. he was such a mess. you just wanted to go back to sleep.

frustrated and tired, you shook him awake. "adam.." you whispered, fighting how heavy your eyelids were. "adam, wake up.." your voice seemed to coax him out of his sleep, a sharp gasp escaping him. he shot up, cold sweat running down his neck as his lungs worked overtime to get air into his body. you were quick to hold him. "cmon..its okay.." you mutter, too tired to fully process that he was trying to dig his way under your skin with his blunt nails.

adam heaved, trying to focus on your voice. he choked out words you couldnt process. knowing him, he was probably apologizing again. you carefully wrapped your arms around adam. enough pressure for him to feel your presence and hopefully bring him back to you, but not enough pressure to suffocate him.

"youre safe, baby.." your voice was right next to his ear. slowly, he relaxed. the boy came back to reality, letting himself go limp in your embrace. he rested his head on your shoulder, turning in a way where his nose was buried in your neck. adam held onto your upper arms, making sure you were still there with him.

you could feel how he stopped breathing. he had to make sure you were still breathing yourself. he had to make sure your heart was still beating. he had to make sure you were alive. adam's hands trailed down your arms until they slipped off, kneading at the bedsheets. he was home. he was safe. those bruised hands patted around, made sure that the lid wasnt around. that the body he had to tear his teeth into wasnt still rotting near him.

eventually, he calmed down. adam refused to separate himself from you. you refused to let him go. a yawn escaped past your lips and you knew it was time to go back to bed. turning your head, you looked at the clock again. 3:27 am. fuck, had it really been that long? time felt like it was going by so quickly. maybe it was because you were tired. you had no sense of time at the moment.

really, that didnt matter. you were here with adam. adam was here with you. his cold hand reached up and played with your hair, reminding himself you were here. you moved him so he was lying back down, his eyes watching you closely as you joined him on the mattress. he continued to stare at you, big sad eyes locking with yours. you smile at him. he smiles back the best he can. it was sad. a sad smile. you hated seeing that one.

"better?" you ask, voice just barely there and heavily laced with drowsiness.

adam nods, his hand resting on top of yours. "yeah..better..im sorry."

you shake your head just slightly, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "none of that. not now." you squeeze his hand gently, letting him shift ever so closer to you. adam hides right under your chin, nose stuffed in the dip of your collarbone. he was safe. he was loved. he was saved. you were his angel. you helped ward off the demons. you helped get the bad thoughts out of his head. you helped him.

as much as it frustrated you, you were adam's savior. and you were okay with it. as long as it meant you got your precious boy the other times his nightmares didnt have him. his fingers, which were still carding through your hair, froze. his breathing slowed and his body seemed to melt into the bed. finally, finally, you were able to relax. you held the other close, making sure he was asleep before heading back to bed yourself. you two could chat about whatever nightmare he had while he made breakfast. ><><><><><>< haha its 2 30 am

[scourgefrontiers]

yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

[cookiedough77]

PLEASEEEEEE IM DYING TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR OCSSSSS 🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐

oh my gah

well heres some... refrences i made a while back GAH I NEED TO DRAW MORE OF THEM UH UH UH

man ok so i put alot of their lore into a google doc ill just like copy and paste alot of it here:

Okok more of a deep dive on these guys because i wanna do more with them

OK JAY BACKSTORY

So initially, jays mom like wiped out a bunch of superheroes, like when jay was really young (he cant remember it) and shortly after, what very little heroes were left or heroes who were only “super” because of the gear they had, an order was created, to try and take her down

His entire life he was raised by his evil ass mom, mainly manipulating him inot thinking humans were bad (they are generally human but with so much magic into their system that they really arent anymore i guess, similar to like a vampire or a werewolf or something). Its not that jay didnt believe his mother but more of he knew something was wrong with what she was doing, how she was going about things

His mother was a wanted criminal for years, and she was mainly destructive or whatever because her husband died idk-

Im making this up as i go, her husband died from too much magic intake? Like he couldnt handle it, but jays mother blamed humanity because “they were the ones holding him back from his potential” 

Jay barely knew his father, so its not like he had a super connection to him

Now while he was growing up, he didnt actually see his mother attack superheros, mainly took her anger out on civilian, even then she didnt like kill them or anything. So he didnt see his mother as a bad person….. UNTIL 

A new superhero actually DID show up, or merely, one that was “taken down” and came back, and maybe or maybe not jays mother wanted him to kill whoever it was and hes like “uh NO????” she does it herself and jay immediately wants out of this, but he doesnt exactly have a choice, so he starts disobeying her for like a year, and then…

Another superhero shows up, a young one, a new one, a vulnerable one. Im not exactly sure how kylo and jay interact and stuff at first because i guess its the “beginning” not the backstory idk sooooooo save that for later!!!

Anyway well i guess kylos next which is complicated man

Gah you’ve heard about this, one of a bunch of orphans actually survived some mutation and that was kylo, who initially wasnt even given a name, kylos name shows up later

So because theres a “superhero shortage” the order decided instead of waiting, to just make more, no matter how, they just needed strong enough heroes to take down any threats, including jays mom, and yes i know i need a name for her

Now remember when i talked about kylo having “siblings” yeah so there are others, just none of the orphans, “failed attempts” before kylo, too much of the mutation so they're not really “usable” and they science people are trying their hardest to make them “work” they also dont see them as real people!!! Hahahaha

Anyway kylo was kinda like raised like this, usually isolated from the other attempts because she was “perfect” and it was mainly two scientists taking care of kylo, they were new, and didn’t have much experience in the field, kylo was their first “assignment” and btw idk they’re a couple, and when kylo turned 10 they both suggested before kylo going out and “being a superhero” that she should like interact with real people, she looked human enough, and she could blend in, and learn like basic empathy from other people/kids

The order approved this and those are basically kylos adoptive parents.

BUT not before wiping all of kylos memory!!! Hahah they’ve tested it out before, and decide to use it on kylo, to not mess with anything, and the memory just doesnt “go away” its like a polaroid camera and rolls of memories spills out, and they keep it safe, locked away

So kylo spends like 3 years homeschooled, and realizes that shes “different” than others (kylos parents didnt really explain anything to them (they werent allowed)). So she comes up with a dumb constume like all heros and decides to make good use out of it

This all leads up to the actual beginning of the story which is like i dont even know where to start but like i can tell you that kylo and jay team up, obviously jay has more experience with his abilities and is like the main person to take down his mother, but kylo definitely helps

The order “meets” kylo and lets her stay obviously, and jay… well they’re wary of him, and make him stay in the building (where the order resides) to keep an eye on him, and this is basically where jay stays until like hes 18

Jays “indenity” is quickly released to the public, an requirement from the order, and jay tries to do whatever they say to make him seem trustworthy (because he is, my poor boy), all while, kylo is instructed to not tell ANYONE who they are, and kylo follows the rules at first, but over the years she likes to challenge them alot.

Jay and kylo quickly become friends and trust eachother obviously uh uh, yeah, theirs other villains of course, and kylo and jay become friends even while civilians but kylo is told to “not get so close” but they try anyway bruh idk

A lot of things happen and ill probably draw some stuff out or talk about it because man theres so much up in this noggin and it yearns to be free

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA, (or, was I) for only taking one cat with me?

will explain the title as i go. also, this is about something that happened like a year ago but it still weights on my mind. backstory-ish first, so sorry for the length of the text.

I (20+) moved out a little more than a year ago to my first own apartment. My siblings moved out before i did, so now my moms living with only her boyfriend and the remaining cats. We had four cats before i moved out, all of which are allowed to go outside (i know, outdoor cats, they have been all my life and i didnt realize the danger they were in & being for the local environment when i was a kid). My new apartment is on the second floor. When i moved out, i decided to take one cat with me, because he really kind of imprinted on me since he was a baby and would constantly follow me around. And while i didnt like the thought of forcing an in&outdoor cat to suddenly only be indoors in a smaller space than our house was, i figured it would be fine if its him.

one of our other cats, which we got a few years after we got the cat i took with me, also really liked to spend time in my room and with cat 1. We got cat 2 from the animal shelter after his previous owner, an old lady, got dementia and had to give him away.

my mom and her boyfriend suggested i take both cats with me and not just one. i didnt want to for a few reasons:

(1. i wasnt sure how much cat 2 would like suddenly being an indoor cat in a smaller space bc he spent like 50% of his time outside and the other 50 in my room, 2. i wasnt sure if the apartment would be big enough for two cats 3. i wasnt sure how hed adjust to yet another new living place, because he took some time adjusting when we got him from the shelter and would meow/yell a lot when no one was with him until he got used to his new home. when i moved out i was about to start a new job training-ish thing which required me to not be home for some hours 5 days a week so the cats would be on their own a lot. and reason 4., which is were i felt kinda selfish: cat 1 is a shorthair cat and cat 2 a maine coon so all my clothes and stuff would be full of hair all the time, even when we tried to prevent it. i didnt really care as a child growing up bc we had a lot of long hair cats but i was kinda thinking that a new space with less cat hairs on everything would also be kinda nice)

i only told my mom and her bf reason 1, 2 & 3 bc i felt like a dick for reason 4. i love all of our cats a lot and leaving any of them at my moms place was really difficult because i was just so used of them always being there all my life. my mom told me after i moved out that cat 2 was still around my old room a lot and started spending even more time outside bc me and cat 1 weren't there anymore. and while hed start purring and cuddling when they pet him outside, he wouldnt spend time with them on their laps or on the couch a lot bc hed just get up and go somewhere else a lot of times.

thats kind of the backstory for this.

now for the (additional) reason i feel like i could be the asshole: my mom and her bf started going on trips a lot like 2-3 years ago, and he only moved in once i had moved out. so whenever they were on trips or she was visiting him, id take care of the cats and cuddle and play with them. once i moved out, they redid parts of the house (kitchen & bath) and got a lot of furniture from her bfs home. her bf likes the cats too, but he doesnt want them to be inside the house that much when they arent there bc he thinks they shed hair everywhere and could damage his furniture or something? so when they went on their next few trips, the 3 remaining cats would mostly be outside with access to a kind of sunroom? attached to the house. and either my grandparents or a friend of my mom would come and feed the cats every day.

me and my siblings didnt really like them suddenly having to be outside so much when it was normal for them to be inside the house even when we weren't home for all of our lives before that and told our mom too (by now she has seen our point and convinced her bf to let them be inside more so its getting better over time. but i wish we would have gotten our point across sooner.)

during one of their trips near christmas last year, when one of her friends was taking care of the cats, cat 2, the maine coon, disappeared. we dont know if he ran away or someone took him because his fur is so pretty or if he got into an accident. my whole family was really sad about him being gone and kept hoping hed come back and asked around irl and online if anyone had seen him. to this day, he hasnt been found. and i know that thats a (unnecessary) risk you take with outdoor cats. and that it was my moms and her bfs decision to keep the cats mostly outside and go on 1-3 week-long trips. but i still blame myself for not just taking him with me to my new apartment. looking back on it, all the reasons i had dont seem to have any weight at all and if i had taken him with me, hed still be around and id know hes healthy and doing good. and he wouldnt have been separated from me and his cat buddy.

so, was i the asshole for not just taking him with me to my new place when i moved out?

pet tax (in order):

What are these acronyms?

[fictionfixations]

book 7 part 4

MAJOR SPOILERS

thats the wrong lilia D:<

(from beanfest)

--

dying inside because oh my god how is this gonna be added to the wiki

what?? the rest are empty.. (they loaded in eventually but wtf)

WHAT.

HOW IM SO WEAK IM SOFHJDUFJ FUCk. FUCKING FUCK???? how am i supposed to do this when each battle leaves me with very little Hp. so then i have to heal. but then im not at full hp so then im fucked with the next battle?? HELLO??

CRYING

I WISH it wasnt stuck to just 3 extra characters besides silver and sebek

I didnt even HAVE a single sebek card until tsumderland 2 because you needed sebek as your study partner so i got his school uniform 😭

if i could choose any character then it wouldnt matter because i could go back to using the cards id already strengthened up for tartarus but like. i CANT. so im feusidfh SOBBING i think i understand how it works now but oh my god this. is. so painful i thought tartarus was bad but i had no idea

im WEAK im SORRY (lilia's fight before this where you have to beat him to continue is so HARD i couldnt. i succumbed to using a retry ticket. I WAS USING THE STRONGEST TEAM I HAD and my strongest support buddy guy person i dont remember waht its called but i was still fucked oh my god)

im sorry lilia

oh thank fuck

...yeah.... BECAUSE HP SAVES. and im so weAK

OH MY GOD IT SAVES. (spoiler alert: I DIED. so thats why it says in progress. i healed them up and it fucked me over anyway because it doesnt heal all the way)

(you can go back so i just. used my remaining cards which are weaker. but were strong enough to oneshot it after i took down a huge majority of their health..)

so then is it better to use the weaker cards. let them die but take the enemy down slowly. and then you can get your strongest cards to kill them in one shot after that?? but then you'll eventually run out. but also it doesnt seem like the maps are too big. ..yet. but still...

(i wanna do them all and get the 10 gems so i can pull for general lilia. i just need 19 more pulls sob.)

I GOT CONFUSED AND THEN I REALIZED THEY DIDNT WANT LILIA TO COOK IM DEADD

oh my god silver

oh its canon

is this why lilias cooking is so bad? because they just had to make do with whatever they had (and learned on the go. and figured that shitty food was normal for them, and the really good food was normal for the rich people??)

*flashbacks to sebek's stomach growling during lilia's farewell party*

nOO SEBEK POOR BABY

(i. really dont like his grandfather. OKAY??? he disapproves of candy, he disapproves of SEBEK JUST BEING IN THE KITCHEN? LIKE HELLO??? WHAT?? this is from i think his birthday bloom(?) vignette, the candy thing i mean, i THINK. one of the birthday ones with trey as his interviewer.. and its mentioned in his apparentice chef vignette that baur doesnt like sebek in the kitchen. he gets this look on his face. )

i KNOW that baur doesnt know sebek is related to him. but. i just. dont like him. at all. AND IM BIASED BECAUSE I LIKE SEBEK and i dont want him hurt :(((

and okay. i get. it. that. baur doesnt like humans. and its reasonable because humans were assholes and like drained the resources dry (bro we do the same irl..) so then the direbeasts without their habitat anymore ran into the villages and caused havoc.

so theres a valid reason for them (although i feel like theres a HUGE misunderstanding. because fae see the ironclads as ruffians. but the silver owls see the fae as ruffians. or robbers or something wtf??)

and i get it. youd hate the enemy too if you saw what damage they caused. like how lilia isnt the biggest fan of humans either during his time as a general.

and i get that he's probably haunted by memories and its not that easy to get over it. but sometimes i feel like it needs to be known when its no longer healthy for someone to be around another. like, they can both equally love each other. can both care for each so much that they only want the best. but sometimes being around someone can only prove to be more unproductive and unhelpful.

and i know baur did a lot for sebek. but its also like. sebek shouldnt have to be so against humans, so against part of himself just because baur is, y'know? and i feel like if baur really wants to be there for his grandson, that he should at least try to accept it or something so as to not hurt sebek more. that like 'yeah, he's human (not that theres anything wrong with that ofc), but he's also family'.

:(((((

i dont think im explaining it that well. im just very sad.

OH MY GOD GRIM YOU DIDNT 💀

comannder (typo)

haha...

oh my god i dont understand anything i dont know geography

😭 they're just explaining where everything is and im just like 'wait what???? wait where????' im so lost… also is it briar valley or briarland??? what/ I dont get it at all

OH. wait is that why malleus seems tame in comparison…. ah….

wait a second

MAJOR JP SPOILERS (this is from one lilia render i saw. scroll past this if you dont want to see)

we know malleus watches over dreams. how will he appear? we know he can take the form of himself. and id imagine he'd keep doing that but.... or will he change forms? or. like. baby malleus. would he be baby malleus? and then we have to be like 'LILIA ITS A DREAM MALLEUS OVERBLOTTED' and lilias just holding bby malleus protectively like no??? (ive seen an image of his like character render holding a baby dragon... and i assume that might be malleus... thats JP spoilers btw)

oh... wait. but we know malleus' parents are both dead right? (and only his grandma's alive)

SPOILER ENDS HERE

OOOH. briar land was when fae territory was bigger (but then humans are encroaching n stuff) briar valley is much more smaller.

maybe the drowsy spells are because his body is trying to get silver to sleep so he can dream travel? but whats the point of doing that?? nothing really.. happens. i mean he can sort of interfere but???

WHAT?? i. two teams? HUH?? oh my god… im going to play this as safe as possible and get as many buffs as i can before going into fights. and then im going to try to go as close as i can to the end goal. because nothings stopping me from going back later. ..but i also want to continue the story… but i also wanna see it all……… i mean if i die (as in all my cards die) i can just. restart. i guess.?? but still…. im so happy. i actually have healers on my team now 😭 and buffs make fights easier

ooh the tiles are actually related to where you are in the story

like theres this river. i did this battle to scare some ironclads away from the river. and then theres this blank tile near it which is also about the river. oooh. i see. ayway im out of mystium

i suddenly feel a lot more assured in my ability to fight them with buffs and other characters

[royalblanket]

oh no its daddy

some au ramblings under the cut ig since this design was the foundation to my entire kingdom story

so sir dadadoo was originally designed by the kindergarten to be a baronet, hence the sir, but while the employees were still brainstorming a design for the king the queen ended up falling for him. less work for them so whatever, they didnt care and went along with dadadoo wanting more heart-themed things in his wardrobe to match his gf. in turn she probably has diamonds on her aswell since i decided to to give them a couple themed things around the kingdom and them, so dadadoo is a deep blue purple while bouncelia is a pink and scarlet purple, shes hearts and hes diamonds, and i might make him lilies while shes roses or something

the underground kingdom really was like a full on kingdom, with plenty of mascots just for that section alone, and since all the mascots ended up being fully sentient, this ended up in them essentially creating an actual government, a small country of clay mutants laying beneath what appeared to be a small one-story kindergarten. and the higher-ups of said kindergarten werent even sure whether or not to keep the damn things, because sure, they spent a lot of money playing god and bringing beings to life with potentially illegal chemicals only they know about, but also, that freaky (but well dressed) leech seems to be planning a rebellion against us for our crimes against humanity and horrific torturous experiments against innocent creatures, brought to life in a painful existence that was never intended to be

but the scientists had already seen bouncelias pouches capabilities to hold measures far larger than it appears, and even the ability to keep in what wanted out. bouncelia was on board with the plan just like dadadoo, but she was easier to threaten. and the moment dadadoo wasnt looking they did so, telling her to either lock up her partner and children or have them and her killed, along with anyone else in the kingdom that was on board with it

she and her subjects just had to be silent about any such rebellion from now on, and to ignore the absence of what was once a prominent figure within their hierarchy. it was unlikely theyd bother with a king after all the uncooperative subjects, and chances were slim the kingdom could be moved upstairs no matter if the remaining mascots played nice or not. but whatever, corporate can just deal with it after bring a friend day and nothing will go wrong between now and then.

when the crash happened, everyone in the kingdom either snapped and attacked everyone around them, or was chased off by the former. the jester had been going downhill for ages now, and had to be sent off by queen herself for thoughts of treason. and then some lady comes in from the surface and is suddenly faced with a bunch of royal drama shes not involved in at all

i kinda want to make the contrast more blatant in the au, like yes deep underneath the kindergarten theres some knockoff shakespeare shit going on that this mom is NOT involved with and she knows shes not involved with it and dadadoo doesnt even care but this is one of the things shes got to go through to get her damn kid. whatever dilf leech its another tuesday ig

bouncelia and dadadoos relationship kinda zigzags, as theyre very close up until she has to lock him away (which is either a stasis or a vague eternity where he has lots of time to simmer and brew in angst, jurys still out on which is cooler/more plot relevant) and then bouncelia spends a lot of time without him, during which she kind of drifts away from the rebellion and realizes how dangerous it is. but once dadadoo is free again she suddenly has to come to terms with a lot of different emotions, and dadadoo is quite the charmer, he'll have no problem getting his heartbroken ex back on his side -- both because he really does love her, and because shes a direct gateway to power. whether or not the rebellion or kingdom even matters anymore now that everyones dead doesnt matter to dadadoo, hes oblivious to it thanks to his time in the pouch. just an egotistical man fighting over old grudges to become the king he was once betrothed to be

[aita-blorbos]

aita for maybe kinda sort of causing the apocalypse??

ok so its a really long story but basically this summer i (12f until a couple days ago) and my brother (12m until a couple days ago) went to stay with our grunkle for the summer and it was really fun!! i got to make all kinds of new friends and help my brother hunt monsters and i loved staying there!! but then summer was ending and we had to leave and my friends werent going to be able to go to our birthday party and i also found out high school was maybe going to be really bad?? and then WORST of all my brother wasnt even going to be coming home with me!! he wanted to stay there and take on some apprenticeship with our other grunkle (he was kind of in some weird nightmare dimension for most of the summer?? so we didnt get to meet him through most of it but it turns out he wrote this book my brother really likes) so id have to go home all alone and i basically was going to lose everything

and the problem was that the end of summer also seemed really bad for everyone?? our grunkle was going to get kicked out of the house slash gift shop and the gift shop was gonna close AND my one friend had to go to music camp and it sounded like she really didnt wanna go to music camp and my other friend had to go on some trip with her boyfriend but it also seemed like she didnt wanna do that?? and my brother would probably miss me too if he only got to see me every summer, right?? so obviously we just needed more summer!!

and i didnt really know how to do that but when i heard that my brother wasnt going home with me i ran off into the woods because i needed a moment and i maybe kinda accidentally grabbed his bag instead of mine because they looked similar but i probably could have looked closer or not run off in the first place. and while i was there this guy came up to me and said he could help!! and i thought he was this time traveler guy we met a while ago who kinda wanted us both dead for a while because we maybe sort of ruined his life over some petty argument but its okay because we got him out of time jail AND got his job back AND gave him pretty hair!! so i thought it wasnt that weird that he was offering to help because he doesnt hate us anymore right??

so he asked for this weird nerdy thing and by then i realized i had my brothers bag and my brother loves weird nerdy things so he might have had it! and i didnt know what the weird nerdy thing did but i should have not given it to the guy because it wasnt even mine to begin with and that was stupid but i did give it to him because he promised more summer and more summer would have fixed everyones problems!!

but when i gave it to him he immediately threw it on the ground and smashed it which okay maybe thats just part of the process but he was also laughing really evilly and then also revealed that he was actually this demon guy we knew who was trying to end the world and that the thing i gave him was the thing stopping the world from ending?? and since i gave it to him the apocalypse was my fault right? like it wouldnt have happened if i was just reasonable about the whole thing or if i just didnt give him my brothers weird nerdy thing so the whole things basically my fault

we did stop the whole thing but really by we i mostly mean our grunkles because they tricked the demon guy into going into one of their heads but not the one he wanted to go into and then our other grunkle made our first grunkle forget everything and it was really sad but the apocalypse ended AND we got our grunkle to remember everything so its all okay now!! and our birthday party went well and my friends were able to make it and my brother decided to go back home with me so everything should be fine right??

but i still feel really bad about it because i like. basically caused the apocalypse just to get my own stupid way and i could have not done that and the whole thing is my fault and people could have DIED just because i couldnt accept that people might not want to do everything with me so im ta right???

[markets]

For some reason this song will always remind me of the girl who will never realize what she did to me. i was always good friends with her ex boyfriend and she was always good friends with mine, and the way she acted around him sometimes bothered me once we broke up but i never said anything about it. one day she decided i was too close to hers and accused him of a bunch of stuff (none of which was true) while also saying god knows what to my ex about the whole thing even though he and i were still friends and im pretty sure a big reason why her ex would go to me for advice about their situation was because i was the only one of his friends who didnt tell him to just block her. i remember telling him that if he wanted to stop talking to me for the foreseeable future i genuinely wouldnt mind, because i didnt think it was worth all the trouble it was causing him. but he kept being my friend and ill always appreciate him for that

i would also constantly tell him to tell her to talk things out with me because i still considered her a close friend despite all the vile stuff she was doing to her ex months after they broke up, and she eventually did but i know she was just scratching the surface of what was really bothering her because her ex told me that before she even talked to me she'd already decided to just distance herself. sometimes he'd point out the hypocrisy in her getting mad at us being friends while she was close to my ex and i always told him to be careful, since i knew that she could easily twist that around to make me look jealous of their friendship even though, at this point in time, i wasnt anymore.

I now know that that's exactly what she did, since when my ex told me he couldnt be friends with me anymore he cited her as one of the main reasons. We used to be so close and then she got slightly mad at me and immediately went for two of my most important friendships, the worst part is i dont even think she realized she was doing it. i knwo i ruined my own life these past few months but if i were to blame anyone else, it would be her. She honestly scares me and i really dont ever want to talk to her again. And yet the other night i saw her crying on some stairs and ran to her. my ex boyfriend, who im not speaking to, came in from the opposite direction and asked me what i was doing, i said i was there to talk to her and he said ok you can talk to her then and i said no you can and he said no you can and walked away, i said "we both can" but he didnt hear me. I sat down next to her, gave her a hug, and asked what was wrong, she started talking about how her ex didnt care about her. when i assured her that he did, because he had no reason to talk to her if he didnt, she just shook her head. she kept talking and she was saying everything i was thinking about my own situation, and it almost made me cry until i remembered that she had everything i didnt, in every sense of the phrase. she had someone who cared about her, who wouldve been willing to stay with her if she hadnt done everything she did, who still loved her. I knew id fucked up but id tried so hard in ways she never had and yet i didnt have anything, not even my best friend. who she also had. I hated her so much in that moment but i just hugged her harder.

if she ever asks me about the whole thing ill tell her all this, and i know she'll pick out one small thing from it and use it to tell everyone im a horrible person, but i dont care anymore. Yesterday the planes over me were flying lower than ever and all i could think about was if any of them were going home

[imlivinginyourtrashcan]

Gat any juicy ✨aPoCaLyPsE✨ aus??? (Any other are welcome too, I will eat.)

GO ALL OUT, DO IT.

Ahh!!! Ok. I dont personally have any apocalypse aus, HOWEVER!!!! I can make up headcannons for how I see things going in this hypothetical

Now the rules I personally am going to use is Zombieland and Last of Us. Im not doing slow zombie shit thats BORING!!!! Alright, here we go.

Cartman:

The first one to be bit out of the boys

Look, Zombieland rule number one right here

Tbh he thought the person who bit him escaped the looney bin

He didnt care

...until he realized his mom was turned

Fuck

So naturally he goes to Kyles

Got there last tho

Kyle let him in

Look, he may hate Cartman but he felt bad!

The turning process took 3 days after he was bit

Day one was the show of pink eye, eye crust and a slight green tint

Second day he looks worse, eyes look all hazy and he looks grener and more deshevled

Third day; yeah hes turned, foaming at the mouth

Butters went to check on him since hes the medic and it ended with Kyle killing him and Kenny getting bit

Kyle:

Didnt know the apocalypse was happening for a good while

Just knew he wasnt going to school for a while so win win

That was until they were out one day and saw a zombie themselves

Oh yeah theyre OUT!!!

Making a break for the house Kyle had to watch his parents get bit

Picked up Ike and was outie like a belly button!!!

Had to gear up on survivalist stuff

Guns, medical equipment, stuff like that

Somehow became the leader of a small group including himself, Ike, Kenny, Stan, Butters, and Cartman.

They stayed at his house until they discover Tolkien's alive

Now they on their way to his house (which has more space and food)

Either the last to be bitten or a survivor

Very distrusting of new people after the cartman incident

Or just people in general

Checks DAILY for bites

If someone's found with a bite they talk to Kyles PEW PEW

Stan:

Co leader of Kyles little resistance thing

Goes out with him on hunts or killing sprees

Found his house after his sister was turned

Not the first few bit but he def doesnt survive

Its either a self sacrifice thing or something depressing where Kyle and Stan are crying

Kyle has to leave him behind which really sucks :(

But they arent having another Cartman situation.

During the apocalypse his drinking problem gets worse

Several times where the group was thinking of just leaving him cuz hes a liability but Kyles like

"No dude hes my friend >:("

Kept Sparky around to sniff for stuff and as a general alert system

Someone at the door?

BARKBARK BARK

Someones turned?

BARKBARKBARK

Stuff like that

OOOOO Sparkys gonna be SADDD when Stan dies

Or he'll just die with him

Idk

Kenny:

Second to be bit and turned

Before that he was the rations, weapons, drinks, etc guy

Main weapon was a flame thrower

Why? Cuz its cool as hell

Def gives tallahassee from Zombieland in a survival scenario

That man will do CRAZY SHIT

God i LOVE Tallahassee!!!!

Shame Kenny got bit

They basically were like

"Yeah no"

And threw him outside.

Then Kyle and Stan became the new scavengers

Poor Kenny :(

Butters:

Both his parents turned so he was outie like a belly button

Left with more truama than he had

Ended up becomming the group medic

The boys try to do everything to keep him from turning

Their efforts are successful until they make their way to Tolkiens

Then he gets bit by a zombie cuz hes frozen in some kinda fear

Kenny returns and CHOMP

Then the groups like "FUCK" and run away

He did survive for a while so like, good on him

But his ass cant use a weapon for shit

Tweek:

It could go both ways with him

Either he dies really early

Or dies really late

But i do think hes a hermit whos gone crazy in bith scenario

He def things Craig and his friends are dead

Hes survived on eating coffee beans and no sleep

Eventually tho i think he cant take it anymore and runs for the zombie hoarde

A certain someone does save him tho and hes in a camp with a few other people

Still bonkers crazy tho

Man thinks hes in heaven

Talking for hours abt how excited he is to see Craig

Poor dude is nuts

Craig:

The one who saved Tweek

Has a resistance of his own with Dougie, Wendy, Terrance Mephesto, Bebe, Clyde, Damien, Mike and Pip (yes Pip is alive in this au. Fight me)

They have a pretty big camp, too.

Theyve essentially been glamping for half the apocalypse

Staying in the mephesto place for like, the entirety of the apocalypse

Pip informs Craig on Tweeke mental state very often (Pip is the medic and group therapist)

Craig is almost never at the base cuz hes out getting stuff

Makes sure to go out in something the zombies cant bite through too

Just in case

Leaves Stripe in Pip's care, ends up bonding with him too

"Yknow frenchie? You arent that bad"

"Uhm..im not french, but thank you!"

On a mission to find Tricia since they seperated

Least he found Tweek

Main weapon is a sniper rifle. Likes hanging out on rooftops and going zombie hunting that way.

Informs the group on the staus of the people hes seen as Zombies.

"So uh... Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters turned.."

And the whole groupis just like 😨

Clyde:

If you think this man is lasting long you are a FOOL

That man would see something truamtic

Cry

And get eaten by a zombie hoarde

I dont see him contributing much to a group at all

Just staying inside cuz hes a wuss

They had to force him out

And thats when he fucking died

Jimmy:

Staying in Tolkiens house with him

Theyre pretty set on food and water

Will go out with Tolkien if they need to get stuff

Can use crutches as a close combat weapon

Trying to keep the situation light

Joking abt everything to make Tolkien feel better

More than happy to welcome the rest of the boys into their home

Survivor, yes, im biased

Tolkien:

Stayed pretty much unaffected by the apocalypse, lucky fuck

Goes out with Jimmy if they need anything

Became the new leader of the resistance

Kyles now on medic duty

Also a survivor

Makes sure weapons are all good and everything

Very good with the organization aspect of the apocalypse.

House is also very spacious

Overhears mephesto working on a cure so that keeps his morale high

Nichole is also staying with him and Jimmy, but mostly for security.

Girl can kick ass

Hope you enjoyed, anons!

[okaystoptellingmetomakeanaccount]

I almost forgot that I was a Magica De Spell blog so

New Magica story next week. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Im not sure what to think of this tbh. Cause this seems like its going to be a gag story. De Feo hasn’t even written a single 30 pager yet I believe. And like cool, sick. Shorter stories of Magica just goofing around like in the golden age of Sarda (golden age is probably too dramatic but it sounds nice) is great. But i also kind of wanted the big long Magica stories trend to continue too

If were only having 1 or 2 Magica comics each year i’d rather not have it be Amelia e l'in$olito depo$ito you know what i mean.

I hoped that with seven volcanic witches we would finally slowly see her character evolve past the dime.

In I TL 3451-1P and I TL 3454-6 the dime wasnt the main point of the story anymore. That was cool and the stories were good as well.

Then we got Gastone lo sfortunato

Which (while disappointing for poor Magicstone shippers) again was showing us that she might slowly be realizing what is actually important for her. That these lessons would be repeated until it finally hits and she gets to move on.

Btw on the Egmont side, writer Gaute Moe seems to really try this as well. He has made like 5 stories about Magica who gives up on the dime and often just gives it back. Not even out of solidarity like in older Italian stories but just because she feels bad. It’s a bit silly but i respect it. Gaute Moe is our hero for Magica characterization at Egmont okay? He tries his best to keep up with Italy.

Oh yeah Italy. The lampada bisestile had really great Magica use and had zero dime mention. Then the PK story was pretty bad. Now we have seemingly a gag story about a scheme for the dime so like ehhhhhh im not sure what to think of this.

Yeah i managed to write this much about a single title and one name. I needed to do something for all the not posting about Magica ive been doing lately.

Anyways this is just speculation maybe De Feo will blow us all away with his gag. I shouldnt assume anything. Thats bad. Im gonna assume that its gonna be good. Wait no i mean. Im not gonna assume anything. I jist wanted to talk about recent Magica developments. New Magica story next week. Lets just get excited about it. There is no reason to assume that her development is not gonna continue what am i saying. Also i know that 7 volcanic witches gave her a better reason to keep going after the dime but also it didnt at the same time so like i dont know.

Franzò is gonna give us good art for sure.

[swiftfootedachilles]

Hi! You asked for an ask and I’m always down to ask so…do you have any headcanons about Mickey’s time in Mexico?

wow you managed to ask me about the only thing of this show that i HAVENT rlly thought about so hats off to you

uhhhh okay first, PRE-MEXICO. i think mickey broke out in the first place because he knew ian wasnt gonna wait for him. i think if ian didnt break up with him and dedicated himself to being a prison boyfriend (?) mickey wouldve stayed in. (i also think he wouldve found a skeevy defense lawyer who owes the milkoviches some debts and appealed his conviction bc lets be honest its total bullshit that he got locked away just based off sammi's unreliable testimony. like where the fuck was debby to lie under oath and say mickey was with her the whole time and she saw sammi take more pills than usual and go outside to move things. sorry im losing the plot this is NOT the time to discuss my s6 rewrite.) mikey haf absolutely no reason to stay in prison, stay in chicago, so i think after nearly 2 years of no visits from ian he just gave the fuck up. why not try to escape? hes smart, he can conjure up a decent plan, right? worst case scenario he goes back to prison, which didnt really fucking matter to him bc he was in prison anyway and he just. didnt care anymore.

so, he broke out and contacted ian ina last-ditch effort to get the love of his life back. he knew ian wasnt gonna wait for him, but at the docks hes obviously still shocked to hear ian moved on fast enough to have a boyfriend already. then ian agreed to go to mexico and mickey was SO READY to start LIVING HIS LIFE. he thought that would be IT. him and his lover in mexico at the beach, getting away from all the bad memories of chicago and having a place to START OVER!!! then ian changed his mind last minute and mickey was fucking CRUSHED. AGAIN. and all of a sudden now hes in mexico alone and all his previous plans went out the fucking window because he totally didnt spend the past few days rearranging his plans to revolve around ian being with him.

i dont really think a lot about mickey's time in mexico. i think he was sad. i think he was angry. i think he just did what he could to stay alive and try to move on but he never really didnt. i think he kept his head low and did his job in the cartel and tried to learn spanish but it was too fucking hard so he gave up on that pretty quickly and attached himself to the multilingual members of the gang. i definitely dont think he had a boyfriend. im sure he fucked around with other guys, but i also think he spent more time laying in his shitty apartment that he shared with like 4 other guys trying not to cry too loud thinking about what could have been.

i also dont think he worked for el chapo lmfao sorry to anyone who thinks that but the timeline doesnt even line up. and if he somehow did have a part in taking down el chapo he wouldve been put in witness protection. he probably wouldve gotten killed anyway tho

my dumb ass didnt realize he got a new tattoo until like deep into s10 and i gaslit myself into thinking it was always there LMFAO but i love that he got another tattoo there. i like to think this one was with a clean needle. i dont think this happened in canon, but MY mickey wouldve gotten a tongue piercing! perhaps other ones too. a couple other tattoos, a cartilage piercing, an eyebrow, his nipples. idk. just to change his appearance more. yeah. thats. the only reason.

anyway i think he got back into the US by working with an undercover cop and being a part of a pre-planned drug bust that included him being "arrested" and making it seem like he got extradited to the US only for being wanted. if he wouldve just waltzed into a precinct and said "hey i got dirt on this cartel" his as wouldve been killed so quickly. it needed to be a lot more covert so the other members didnt catch on and get rid of him. i do think eventually they probably figured out he was the anonymous witness whose interviewed were used in trial, which is why when he gets released in s10 the CO tells him the cartel is looking for him. sorry im going all Law & Order here talking about a s6 trial and now a trial against the cartel i need to stop

[one-annon]

2. orderlyshipping!!!!! typical hallway crush idea you love so much. maybe a little zep imagination moment :3 im giving you freedom there

"That's pretty punk."

-- SHEPARD "ZEP" HINDLE X DAVID RADFORD - ORDERLYSHIPPING

--

part two of the razzle dazzle series! i really need to get these out faster this is like 80% zep angst and 20% orderlyshipping my bad i also like did not follow the prompt but we talked about it HAHHA

shepard always had a habit of biting his nails. it wasnt something he was aware he was doing half the time, it was pure instinct by this point. he had started wearing medical gloves around work so he wouldnt be gnawing his fingers while he was checking in, it was just a sanitary precaution. he didnt want his patients to get the wrong idea or anything. he seemed to care more about his patients than other people.

usually, with his patients, he was working in the oncology section. he was mostly helping out doctor gordon where he needed him, but today, since the doctor was gone due to something with his daughter, he was placed in the er. not totally unusual, hes been there before. it wasnt his favorite place to be, too fast paced for his paranoia, but its whatever. he got paid either way.

all day, he couldnt help the creeping feeling of something being wrong. something was going to go wrong and he didnt know what. all day he's been blaming it on his paranoia, wishing he could just go home and sleep the feeling away. he didnt know why he was feeling this way, he took his medication and everything but it just..wouldnt leave him alone. which sucked when you work in a place where you have to remain relatively calm.

of course, nothing had gone wrong. the night was going by smoothly. zep's nails remained unbitten. until he heard a voice he was all too familiar with.

he had been talking with a doctor about one of the patients when he heard it. "i need a doctor!” they shouted. the voice was one of a patient he knew well. his head snapped around, seeing two people - the only two people who have ever treated him with such kindness. john kramer and his wife. he knew john from his visits with lawrence. zep had been the one to check on him when he needed it. oh fuck.

suddenly, he was panicked. what was wrong? he noticed the blood. zep didnt get nauseated at the sight of blood. hes seen too much of it for it to bother him anymore, but he couldnt help the feeling of wanting to either vomit or faint when he saw the blood on jill. he was the first to her side when the nurse called for an orderly.

he started hitting them with panicked questions. what had happened? being the main one he wanted an answer to. when he looked down at the woman, he noticed his own hands. his hands that had no gloves. he swallowed hard, trying to regain his breaking composure. he knew about jills pregnancy. john had told him. zep couldnt help but feel excitement from it. his two favorite patients were having a child, and now he looked down at jill and realized that wouldnt be happening.

it was a long night. the baby was deemed dead. shepard stayed by their side for a long while. he couldn't help but notice how distressed they both looked - understandably so. the feeling of bile rised up in his throat but he stayed. he kept a hand on johns shoulder, explained to them how awfully sorry he was. eventually, shepard decided to leave them be. the child wasnt his to mourn, even if he did feel like he, too, had lost the poor thing.

he had ended up in the break room, one hand holding his head up and the other with it's thumb tucked between his teeth, nibbling and peeling away the skin near his nail. zep was alone for what felt like hours. it felt just how it did before he met the kramers. he had no one to comfort him at the moment. shepard didnt lift his head when he heard the door open, and honestly, he barely heard that. his mind was full of thoughts - none of them any good to help him.

"shep?" the quiet voice calmed him immensely. he knew who that belonged to. maybe he wasnt as alone as he thought.

he forced his head up, watching as his fellow orderly take a seat next to him. david was always there for him. he made zep fell less alone. he actually called him by his name. that in itself was a miracle. david made him feel wanted. it was insane to him that someone as cool as david would even think of befriending him. he was pathetic. zep wouldnt admit the slight crush he had on the man.

david's hand on his back helped him relax. which was usually a good thing, but when you're holding back tears, relaxing meant the waterworks were let loose. he refused to cry in front of the other. crying in front of david meant embarrassing himself, which meant being seen as a loser, which meant david would leave him alone. he didnt want to be left alone again.

his voice was quiet, loving. "you alright, big guy? something happen?"

shepard couldnt hold back. he told david how connected he felt with john and jill. how they treated him so well and he was so agitated about the way they lost the baby, how angry he felt that their baby was killed rather than lost. jill had told john what happened at the clinic with zep in the room. he wouldve left if he didnt need to check a few vitals on the woman. she said she trusted him enough to be okay with him listening too. she trusted him.

the first thing the punk noticed about shepard was the way he bit his nails as he sobbed. perhaps it was to quiet his cries, perhaps it was a nervous habit, maybe even an angry one, but he didnt like it. david hated seeing zep in pain, even more so, he hated seeing him hurt himself. even if zep wasnt fully conscious he was doing it in the first place. he lifted his hands, slowly taking zep's wrist between his fingers and tugging his hand downward.

david kept his hand away from his mouth, letting him finish his sentence before he asked, "would you like it if i distracted you? i wouldnt mind. i can help you with your biting problem too.

he offered a lopsided smile, which made zep's heart flutter when he pulled away from his shoulder to see it. davids smile was always so pretty to the other. it took him a long moment to regain his senses, to remind himself where he is. he shouldnt be acting like this at work, its unprofessional, is it not? whatever. shep took a deep breath, wiping his eyes of salty tears. he nods, the corner of his mouth lifting just slightly. "yeah," he replied, "that would be nice..thank you."

dave shrugged. "its nothing, really. just here to help a friend out."

as he dug through his bag, zep couldnt help but smile more. friend? david considered him a friend? he was worried the boy was getting sick and tired of him but hes willing to label zep as his friend. it wasnt very often zep gained a friend. when he first arrived at the hospital, he considered dr. gordon to be his friend, but once he realized how the man dehumanized his patients, dehumanized shepard himself, it made him feel awful. he was disgusted and repulsed by the blonde.

his eyes followed davids movements. after a moment or two, he lifted himself back up, setting black nail polish on the table. now that zep takes a look at his hands (like he does every hour), he noticed some new scars. maybe a fist fight or something. he also noticed davids nails were newly painted. was he going to get his nails painted? hes always thought about having black nails.

"you always seem to have your fingers in your mouth." david chuckled. his words had no bite to them, especially not when he smiled at zep like that. "i thought we could paint them? i did it for my cousin and it seemed to work."

shepard's head moves faster than it ever has in his life to nod. david "super cool punk guy who zep has a huge hallway crush on" radford-stanheight is wanting to paint his nails? fuck yeah! zep would take all the contact he can get from the guy. plus, it might do as david states and help him with his nail chewing.

it was better than constantly wearing gloves, in his opinion.

zep held his hand out, watching at david shook the bottle. the cap put up just a slight bit of fight, even if the polish was new. shepard didnt miss the way the veins in davids hand bulged just slightly for a moment as he twisted. he always noticed little things about david. he noticed when he cuts his hair, when he lets his scruff grow out just a little from neglect, when he changes to slightly taller platformed boots. everything.

to say he was obsessed with david was a smidge degrading but whatever. it was the right word anyway. a jolt of electricity went through his nervous system as dave took his hand and rested his four fingers over his own, his thumb resting just above the nails to hold his hands in the perfect position. he seemed like a professional nail tech, though they both knew he wasnt.

watching david paint his nails felt a little odd. zep didnt usually indulge himself in self care like this. was it considered self care? he did feel more relaxed - wasnt that the point of most self care routines? he didnt know. he barely cared for himself, even in the shower. hell he used a fucking 3 in 1. was that bad enough? it didnt matter to him, really.

the brush felt a little weird against his nail, and the polish was a tad cold. zep didnt mind. just having david in his mere vicinity made him feel comforted. he doesnt know what it is about david but he felt so safe with him around. maybe it was the fact that david was able to stick up for himself and zep needed the comfort of having someone to stand up for him. zep wasnt the type to be able to defend himself. he just took what he was given.

he enjoyed watching his nails get painted. occasionally he would look up at dave, make sure he was still there, and the pure concentration on his face was wonderful. seeing him to focused on zep and zep alone has his head spinning. the touch, the attention. it made him dizzy with some feeling.

the feeling which hes felt around david before. he wasnt a stranger to it, unfortunately.

he knew there was no chance of david and he being an item. whatever, he can fantasize. having him here, so dedicated to making shepard feel better, was enough. david was enough. he was a wonderful person and yet he just couldnt see that. zep wasnt aware david thought the same about him. to david, zep was a wonder. a curious little thing he wanted to study. how can one be so utterly pathetic and utterly beautiful at the same time?

they stayed silent as david switched hands, allowing the first to dry properly. the color was lovely. dark, like ink, but not as shiny. zep didnt mind the matte coloring, in fact, he preferred it. his eyes wouldnt catch the color as often when the lights shined on it. and, as much as he wanted to remember this moment and keep it in his mental david files forever, he had to stay focus on some of his own tasks.

it was a treat watching him work on something other than cleaning up around the hospital. zep knew david hated his job. he wished the other would quit to go pursue a job he would actually enjoy, he wished the other would stay so he could see him almost every shift. he couldnt decide what he wanted. as much as he wanted david to be happy with his life, he couldnt bare to think about him leaving.

david finished his nails, that cute look on his face slowly relaxing into his usual cool guy state. a pleased smile graced his face. shepard couldnt have been more grateful for this moment. he felt so blissful and almost wanted to thank whatever deity was watching for making jill lose her baby. oh goodness, that sounded awful. deity watching them, he takes that back. he said almost, it doesnt count.

the punk leaned back, examining his work. "nice." he commented with a smile. "that's pretty punk."

something about hearing that made zep's stomach turn. not that he was going to puke, but that he was nervous. he was the total opposite of punk and yet david, who did his nails, is saying hes punk? well, he wasnt saying shepard as a person was punk, merely his newly painted nails. either way, it made him feel that feeling again. it was a mix of nervousness, embarrassment, and excitement.

shepard wouldnt realize it until his punk went missing, but he was feeling love. he loved david and it was stupid and shameful and he couldnt help it. david made him feel important, even just by spending time with him. he was pathetic. so stupidly pathetic. and in love. jesus fucking christ, get a grip, shepard!

by the end of his shift, zep felt ten times better. david made him feel better in every way ever. when he visited the kramers again the next day, he brought up his nails, happily showing them off. jill complimented him, saying they looked nice. of course they did, david did them! john, on the other hand, just stared. sure, he gave a slight nod of acknowledgment, but he said nothing. zep wasnt offended. the man was probably just processing everything.

even when he was nervous later on, zep didnt bite his nails. they stayed painted for a while. david painted them again when they would chip. he kept them painted when he saw john the next two times, one being for a screening and the other being another er visit, this time from a suicide attempt. he wanted to bite his nails, but he refrained.

until 2003. that fateful day that david was deemed missing. he couldnt help it. like many things in life, shepard went back to his old habits, biting at his nails and destroying davids work. he would always be a nail biter, even to the day he dies.